Writing.

Ever since I can remember, I haven't been a big fan of writing.  I think it all goes back to high school. Specifically, senior year Advanced English  I worked hard in high school to earn good grades. Well...that's not exactly true.  I was fortunate to get good grades without having to work terribly hard.  I was one of those students.  Some classes pushed me and required substantial time and effort, but most didn't.  Even so, my grades were of the utmost importance to me.  I graduated with a 3.89 (oh, how I agonized over that one-tenth of a point...I thought a 3.9 sounded so much better).  With the exception of a really trying year of chemistry (my one and only C in high school), I blame my inability to get straight As on my senior Advanced English teacher (whose name I'll withhold here...but you THS alums probably know who I'm referring to).  I was determined to get an A in that class, and I worked HARD on every single paper I had to write.  But I got Bs every.single.time.  I met with my teacher repeatedly to see what I could do to improve, and I'll never forget her response:  "You're just not an 'A' writer."  And no matter what I did, I could not get that elusive A.  So I took the B in the class, decided I hated writing, and have been bitter ever since.

Fortunately, my bad attitude quickly turned around as I had to take a required creative writing class during my first term of college.  And I got an A on every.single.paper.  So, there.  I was redeemed.  I was tempted to send copies of those papers (with a big red 'A' on the top) to my high school English teacher.  I didn't, but I still think I should have.  Just for grins.

Since then, I haven't had much opportunity to write.  Until now.  As soon as I was diagnosed with cancer last April, I began to write.  Not terribly inspirational writing, but it was a great tool to keep my village informed.  And it also afforded me the opportunity to document this roller-coaster journey for my own memories and record-keeping.  I knew immediately that I wanted to be open about my situation.  Not everyone feels that way, but it just felt more authentic to me to be open and honest about what we were going through.  And I've never regretted that decision.  Sure, it's strange to know that everyone is aware of my illness.  I've given up a sense of privacy.  But, the return has been so incredibly positive.  The outpouring of love and kindness from our friends, neighbors, church family, school staff, and acquaintances has been mind-boggling.  I've heard from people that I haven't seen or spoken to in over thirty years.  It astounds me that people take time to send me a text or message or email or card in the mail.  The good wishes and prayers have fueled me and have filled my heart up this past year.

I started documenting my journey on CaringBridge, mostly because I was unable to keep up with the texts, emails and voicemails in the beginning.  It seemed to be the best way to keep everyone updated.  And it has served its purpose well.  But, I feel like CaringBridge is for temporary medical situations, and if we've realized one thing, it's that mine isn't a temporary situation.  I'll have cancer for life, however long that will be.  So, I decided to make a change.

I'm not writing this blog to draw an audience.  I'm not even specifically writing to update friends and family anymore, although it will be a great tool for that.  I'm writing this for my children.  One day, when they're ready, I want them to be able to read about our journey.  I want them to be able to see that we didn't let cancer consume our lives any more than we had to.  I want them to remember all of the fun, every-day moments we shared as a family.  And all of the big, exciting adventures we experienced.  And everything in between.   I want them to remember it all.  Not just the cancer.  On their bad days, when they're angry at cancer, I want them to be able to see that our love for each other is so much bigger than cancer.  This is the legacy I can leave them.  We chose joy.  Not cancer.

I'm not even really sure what this blog will look like.  I don't have a plan.  I don't know how often I'll post--maybe 2-3 times a week.  You can sign up to receive email notifications each time I post, or just check in from time to time.  For my Facebook friends, I'll post a notification each time I publish a blog post.

I'll most likely use this forum to document my cancer journey, since that is what I spend a good amount of my time dealing with these days.  But I'll also use it to document our family's life.  I want to balance the "ick" with the beautiful, messy moments of our day-to-day lives.  Some of it may interest you, some of it probably won't.  But one day, my kids will be able to look at this, read my words, and remember how we didn't allow cancer to beat us down.  We took it head-on, lived our lives, and enjoyed every moment possible.