Starting over.

Today is the day we start over.  Stem cell transplant, round two.  I've been looking forward to getting to this point, but at the same time, dreading every single thing it means.  On the "good" list--we're moving forward, hopefully heading towards a more successful treatment course.  I'm being aggressive, which, from the start, has been so very important to me.  I have too much to lose to NOT be aggressive.  I'm receiving treatment at one of the premier medical facilities in the country, with incredible physicians and medical staff.  They found a willing donor for me (not an easy task!).  My amazing team of caregivers is ready for action--my parents arrived on Sunday, and are ready to take over kids/house/life management.  Philip has cleared his schedule (we are blessed that his firm is so compassionate and supportive of us and our challenges).  Things are lined up, and we're ready to tackle this.

On the "not so good" side is the emotional/mental side of the situation.  I'm dreading the next two weeks of pre-transplant tests, scans, meetings, labs, biopsies, etc.  That's hard stuff.  Not necessarily physically hard (well, the biopsy isn't much fun), but it's more of a mental hard.  Especially since I feel like I just went through this whole process.  It's a wearying process.  It's a big lead-up to a huge procedure.  With constant reminders of just how risky the procedure is.  I'm scared.  Scared that something will go wrong.  Scared that the transplant may work, but that the donor cells will wreak havoc on my body and cause other long-term, serious problems.  Scared that the transplant won't work.  Just scared.

I'm also struggling with leaving my kids for the summer.  We knew this was coming, and we know that it's necessary.  And the logistics are all in place for everything to work smoothly.  The kids will be blessed to have a fun summer with Nana and Poppi.  They'll get to have a few trips to Portland to visit the cousins, they'll go to Black Butte and the beach for quick get-aways, they'll make all sorts of fun memories, and will be in exceptional hands.  But, I won't get to be with them.  As a mom, that's beyond tough.  As everyone else is counting the days until school gets out, and making fun summer plans with their families, I'm having to say good-bye to mine.  This summer will be long.  And hard.  I'll be counting the days until I can return home in September.  We'll get through it, but I can't help but be sad about all that I will be missing.  Three months is a long time.  I'll get to see the kids here and there for visits, depending on how compromised I am.  We know the beginning few weeks will be rough, but we're hoping that once my health is stabilized, we'll get to have more frequent visits.  Time will tell.  And I know I'm sacrificing this summer to hopefully have many more summers with my kids.  But right now, this one looms large.  I'm sad, and a little bit resentful.  Ok, I'm a lot resentful.  Some days I just want to scream that it's not fair.  It's not.  But that's ok.  It is what it is.  And we'll get through it.  And we'll try to smile and find joy.  It'll be there, just not exactly how I pictured it.

Today I meet my transplant team and get the ball rolling.  The rest of this week is filled with a multitude of appointments--we'll meet my attending transplant physician, have various tests (EKG, chest x-ray), lots of labs, meetings with social workers, nursers, pharmacists, and others.  All important steps to get to transplant day.  That's the goal.  And we'll get there.